Bring In The Clowns 🤟🏼

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Bring In The Clowns 🤟🏼

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Bring In The Clowns

i think that in 2014, the year before i met beth, she stood outside a lingerie shop, studying the window, and finally chose just the right bra. by then, the bump had come and gone. in the next months, as her three-month scan cleared, that bra slipped into perspective. she chose a pair of black jeans, because they were easy. they looked good on her. she grew and changed in front of me, with no sense of discomfort, because i was never a boss of her life. ive never seen another man so patiently wait for a woman he could care for to grow.

in the end, i was never going to leave her. never. no matter what she did or what she thought. no matter how many false starts and disappointments. i believe this, which makes me sad. thats what i didnt tell beth when i ran off to try to make a better life for us in california.

i was a freak, an outcast. i was a doppelganger, a shape-shifter, a shadow self. the first time she met me, she diddnt believe me, because you cant make up stories like that. now, she believes me. she doesnt believe the life ive made for us in california is good for either of us. she sometimes struggles to live under that weight. i dont want her to come. i do not want to be a doppelganger anymore. and yet if she does come, i want it to be like this, if i can manage it.

i want her to be polite and helpful to the volunteers and interpreters, to bear down and direct traffic, and to make the others feel better about their own lives, however small they may be. i want to see what she looks like in a sleeveless dress, or wearing lots of makeup.

i think that in 2014, the year before i met beth, she stood outside a lingerie shop, studying the window, and finally chose just the right bra. by then, the bump had come and gone. in the next months, as her three-month scan cleared, that bra slipped into perspective. she chose a pair of black jeans, because they were easy. they looked good on her. she grew and changed in front of me, with no sense of discomfort, because i was never a boss of her life. ive never seen another man so patiently wait for a woman he could care for to grow.
in the end, i was never going to leave her. never. no matter what she did or what she thought. no matter how many false starts and disappointments. i believe this, which makes me sad. thats what i didnt tell beth when i ran off to try to make a better life for us in california.
i was a freak, an outcast. i was a doppelganger, a shape-shifter, a shadow self. the first time she met me, she diddnt believe me, because you cant make up stories like that. now, she believes me. she doesnt believe the life ive made for us in california is good for either of us. she sometimes struggles to live under that weight. i dont want her to come. i do not want to be a doppelganger anymore. and yet if she does come, i want it to be like this, if i can manage it.
i want her to be polite and helpful to the volunteers and interpreters, to bear down and direct traffic, and to make the others feel better about their own lives, however small they may be. i want to see what she looks like in a sleeveless dress, or wearing lots of makeup.
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